*sigh
As I have said before, I travel, a lot. Last week West Virginia, this week Colorado, next week Nashville. Up in the air junior bird man.
I’ve recently been given the moniker of “curmudgeon”, the dictionary Uncle Steve provides me defines curmudgeon as “a bad-tempered or surly person…”. I might buy that. Those that know me may completely agree. Those that know me…would call me more…cranky. Which, I think, is probably the peoples definition of curmudgeon. So…I’ll take it.
Ok..so, wife drops me off at the airport (after too much traffic), I grab my boarding pass (after checking in online 24 hours prior…a scout is thrifty, blah blah…prepared), I head to security check point #1 (Great!, still not on the watch list), grab people-moving-tram-like-shuttle-thing, head to security check point #2 (no lines (wow, really?) not on their list either), get in the next line to basically unpack and undress so I can walk through some cancer inducing xrayish type thing. I don’t “beep” (I used to…ask me about that later), repack, redress (hold me, I feel so used) and head to my gate (no time for Starbucks, DAMN! traffic..I’ll drink the Southwest swill on the flight).
Here is where the fun starts and the curmudgeon in me must be suppressed.
Southwest Airlines prides itself on being an easy, non-stress airline. The boarding process has changed over the years. We used to line up by color. Then it was color AND number, not in numerical order. Then, wait for it, color AND number, IN numerical order. Then some incarnation of the letter A, B or C + color + number + birth city – the middle digits of your social security number + did you call your mom? (no…sorry mom).
Recently they got it all together and decided to make it even easier. A, B or C + a number, in alphabetical and numerical order.
To make it even easier, a friendly Southwest Airlines worker get’s on the Dukane (look it up) and explains this whole system before you begin the process.
“Good morning ladies and gentlemen, in just a moment we will begin our boarding process for flight number <insert flight number> here at gate <insert gate number>. If you’ll take a look at your boarding pass, you’ll notice the letter A, B or C and a corresponding number. We will board the A passengers first and then the B’s and C’s. Family boarding will be between the A and B passengers. Once on board, we have open seating, just pick a seat…they’re all leather and they all get there at the same time. (mild laughter). So, A’s, please find your spot in line. A 1 through 30 on the left, A 31 through 60 on the right. Find your corresponding number on the metal dividing poles and line up accordingly. B’s and C’s, please stay seated until I call your group.”
Now is when the sheep (sheep, because sheep are stupid) get up, holding their boarding pass in front of them like some kind of cosmic airline divining rod. Heading toward the metal dividing poles like they’ve catapulted to stonehenge.
And if you’re quiet, you’ll hear thought provoking questions like:
“What number are you”?
“Are you an ‘A’?”
“Is this the B line?”
And nice answers like
“My number is 23.”
“Yes, I’m an ‘A’.”
“No mam, this the ‘A” line…see…you’ll sit down over there and wait for your letter and number to be called. Then. See these numbers? You’ll line up here”
But, If you’re real quiet…you’ll hear the skits in my head, with answers like:
“I’m number one, numero uno, don’t forget it. But today, Southwest has branded me with the gawd awful number 55”
Or
“Yes…I’m an ‘A’. I’m standing here first aren’t I? Did you listen to the lady? You didn’t, did you? ‘A’‘s first…then ‘B’s and ‘C’s. See, if you check in online up to 24 hours ahead of time, you can pretty much get yourself an ‘A’ boarding pass. AND, if you’re real savvy, you can even pay 10 bucks and get your boarding pass up to 36 hours in advance..almost guaranteeing you that coveted ‘A’. Run along.”
Or
“Is this the ‘B’ line? Really? Were you not listening? Oh that’s right, you stopped to get your Starbucks, instead of being here, in Emily Post fashion, at the gate in ample time to line up accordingly and hear the proper Southwest instructions. How’s that coffee you got on your shirt because you cant hold the cup correctly for all the carry on luggage you have? Bags Fly Free brainiac…do you not watch tv?. No you can’t stand here and let all us chosen ‘A’s walk around your African Safari size luggage pile while we board just so you don’t have to move again. And, by the way, your flight changed gates…this is gate C31, your flight is now at gate B22, I’m sorry, you probably didn’t hear that announcement either, cause the popcorn you were mowing through was making so much noise. Quick…go…they’re closing the boarding door on your flight!”
Alphabetically and Numerically people…this isn’t that hard!
Geez.
You are now free to move about the internet.
