“up in the air”: Manny, Moe and Jack

People watching.  

One of my favorite ways to pass the time while traveling.

Over the years I’ve seen a lot of different, interesting folks.  From families on vacation (really kid…stuffed animals?), business men out to make a buck (no, you don’t own the whole plane), elderly couples in wheelchairs (you may not want to use the moving sidewalk) and basic general public (wonder where they are going?).

Recently there were 3 college age boys (yes “boys”) that were on their way somewhere.  I was sitting in my Southwest provided leather gate area chair, complete with USB port and power outlet…and they were standing next to me, in a circle, going on about their jobs and their investments, waxing poetically about large companies they thought were cool and sharing insights with each other about how their 5, 7 and 10 year plans were gonna play out.

It was time to board the plane. Our gate agent gave the instructions (see previous post).  I boarded and picked my window seat.

After I get comfortable in my seat, I like to watch the rest of the people come down the aisle. (“A” boarding pass here…again, see previous post).  It’s always a crap shoot as to who will be choosing the seat(s) next to you.

*Here comes a woman with a baby…don’t look her in the eye.

*Teenage girls, complete with attitude…where’s my headphones?

*Hippie lookin’ guy carrying what looks like a lunch bag, complete with grease stain…experience tells me whatever is in that bag, is gonna have a stench!

*Big guy, really big guy, really really big guy…sigh.

Here come the 3 college boys, still, talking, about, life.  Luckily they can’t sit with me…there are only 2 seats here.

They pass me…and choose a row, two rows behind me.

Some older lady (i.e. not a teenage girl with an attitude) chooses the aisle seat in my row…our middle seat goes unclaimed. YES!

Now.  Time to try and relax.

I don’t really fall asleep on a plane.  I’ll nod off, but my own snoring, or that giant bobble-head, jell-o neck snap that happens as soon as you do fall asleep, wakes me up.

Any way, I tried to sleep…but noooooo.  So, after the failed dream land, I grab the Sky-Mall magazine…

Side note:  Nothing has changed in the Sky-Mall magazine.  For. Ever.  Garage items, doggy ramps, tree faces, learn a language cd’s, pool items and hose winders. They’re all still there.

…and look for something new.  Nope.

Just as I grab my trusty iPhone to listen to the latest Bob & Tom Show Podcast and try to get 3 stars on each Angry Birds level…I hear the 3 college boys talking…

Side note:  Nothing has change in the 3 college boys conversation from the time they were waiting at the gate 39,000 feet below us ago.

College Boy #1:  “I think diversifying my portfolio will help us in the long run”

College Boy #2:  “The reliability of the Mercedes far exceeds that of the Lexus”

College Boy #3:  “After my internship, I plan on starting my own practice and…”

*RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCH!

WHAT!?  Really?

Ok…I’m all for chasing your dreams. And, I memorized the 7 P’s (Prior Proper Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance) a long time ago…I get it.  But this goes on for the entire flight.  Not just regular talking and conversation…they are all talking at the same time.  It reminds me of my Grandmother, Mother-in-Law, the Woman He Gave Me and My Sister-In-Law…(no offense…and I’ve said this before in front of them…and they claim to know what each other is saying…but, wha?) talking at Easter Dinner.

More…penetrating the din of my Bob & Tom laughter and Angry Birds tweets and crashes…I can hear them talking…

College Boy #1:  “The prices here compared to the overseas market….”

College Boy #2:  “The future lies in understanding the ebb and flow of…”

College Boy #3:  “I think Steve Jobs does a good job of…”

*RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCH!

OH NO HE D’ENT! Did he just invoke the name of Steve Jobs?  Did he just say Uncle Steve does a “good” job?

I turned so fast to see which precious college boy dare think he had the knowledge enough to critique the 4th person of the Trinity that my already throbbing neck muscles began to bleed through my pores.

Again, I’m all for trying to emulate the best.  I’m a dreamer.  But, hey, Ralph Malph…when you run a company that has $45.8 billion in cash and marketable securities (yes billion), then you can have verbal opinions.  Just this morning you were logging in to your HotMail account to check your class finals scores…so find someone else to say does a “good” job at running their company, like maybe, someone in the just-in-time profitability industry like the airlines I fly every week.  The fact that you can fly across the country every day at a moments notice is cool.  But one national attack or emergency and 4 days later they’re asking congress for a hand out.  (really?…yes)

Oh and…you can’t count to 45.8 billion because that annoying purple dinosaur that taught you to count can’t count past 7.  Just 7.  The one after 6.  My purple guy was cool before it was cool to be a vampire and he could eat 45.8 billion for breakfast!

(Breathe, breathe…it’s ok…this happened months ago and you’re just typing it out now…you’re gonna wake the lady next to you you’re typing so hard.)

So, even though I tried and tried (telepathically)…I couldn’t get them to shut up.  There wasn’t a bird of any color that made enough noise to drown out this E.F. Hutton wanna-be flight.  It was killing me.

Then…I started to laugh.  Not nostalgically. But because, as a person with a family, a person with a job, a person will bills, a person that still dreams, I was 99% sure of how their life was gonna turn out.  And that, was hilarious.

Ladies and Gentlemen we are now beginning our decent in the the Tampa area. Please make sure you seat back and tray table are in their (say it with me) upright and locked position.

Finally we land.  Finally we stand. (you know the stand…that thing everyone does when the plane pulls to the gate and we still aren’t gonna get off this tube for another 10 minutes..but we do it anyway and wait for the heard to start moving)

The 3 college boys are still talking.  I look at them in their pressed shirts and ties and just smirk.  Some lady has now engaged them in conversation in the aisle.  She seems impressed with them.  They are still going on about how they are gonna “make it”.

I stretched my neck, took a breath, turned and said:

“HEY!”…

The 3 college boys looked at me.  Everyone did. It was quiet.

“Then. You’re gonna get married. Have kids.  AND, a mini-van.  Enjoy!”

The entire plane laughed out loud and applauded!

(no they didn’t…and I didn’t say anything…but man that would have been great!)

*Todays blog was brought to you by the numbers 3…and 45.8 billion

Up in the Air: “Where am I?”

Hampton Inn, Courtyard by Marriott, Embassy Suites…these places are my home away from home.

I choose these because they are reliable.  There is no guessing with them. Each room (respectively) looks the same from St. Louis to Peoria to Boulder.  A Hampton is a Hampton is a Hampton. I find that, somewhat comfortable.

I’ve even found certain rooms I like, and request that specific room if I can.

When in the Skokie, Ilinois Hampton…I don’t like to stay in room 254.  The head of the bed, and mattress, tilts downward, making the blood rush to my head.  Not good.

And, I’ve recently figured out, that although the Woman He Gave Me and I sleep in a King Size bed..I prefer doubles or queens when on the road.  Why?  Ok…you asked for it.

Travel city hotel rooms are usually booked and occupied by a single (meaning 1…not meaning unmarried) person.  And, in a king size bed, they usually choose the side of the bed that is closest to the widescreen-tv-that-doesn’t-actually-have-an-HD-signal-so-every-picture-is-stretched-and-actors-and-reality-show-losers-all-look-like-oompah-loompahs.

This choosing of sides causes, over time, an indentation in the mattress.  And that indentation is not my indentation.  It’s just weird.  So, sleeping in the middle of the big king size bed is impossible what with the crater to my right or left while I try to balance myself on top of the ridge that separates the now two distinct sides.

So, even if the queen size or double size near the widescreen-tv-that-doesn’t-actually-have-an-HD-signal-so-every-picture-is-stretched-and-actors-and-reality-show-losers-all-look-like-oompah-loompahs, has a crater…it’s in the middle of the bed and there is no balancing to be done.  Therefore I get a better nights sleep.  (who am I kidding, I sleep like crap no matter where I am…thanks Dad)

All that to say that even though these places are my refuge for some days, I have on occasion, awaken (woke? awoken?…suposubly?) in the middle of the night and not really known where I was. Confusion ensues, I run into the wall that shouldn’t be there, and then wake up head back to my crater.

Being in strange places makes people do strange things.

I pulled my rental mobile in to the parking lot of the latest Hampton and noticed what looked like another rental car parked in my favorite spot.  Right next the door.  (I usually pretend there’s a valet waiting for me, toss my keys and say…”Good morning Hector…be careful with her…she’s a ‘bute..and she corners like she’s on rails!”  But that doesn’t happen, so I just check in and then move my car)

Now I have to walk…across the entire parking lot (20 yards)…dragging my luggage and parifinalia all the way (it has wheels…) to the sliding-automatic-Get-Smart-style-doors.

Side note:  I don’t stay places where the front doors aren’t sliding-automatic-Get-Smart-style-doors…I hate having to stop, let go of luggage, open door,  move my luggage, get through door without my luggage getting caught as door (which is too heavy) closes…and oh look…ANOTHER SET OF REGULAR PEOPLE NON sliding-automatic-Get-Smart-style-doors!  Ugh

Where was I?  Oh yeah…car in my spot…

As I drove past them, I noticed 3 people in this car that was parked in my spot…the two up front were bent over looking at the steering wheel, and the passenger in the back was craning their neck to see whatever it was the other two were looking at.

I got out of my fine ride, and started walking to the front of the hotel, toward the car in my spot…Noticed they were still perplexed about something…and noticed the driver of said car in my spot, was looking up at me and then would look away…looking up at me and then would look away.

Being the kind traveler I am (stop it)…I asked…”Do you need some help…?”

The driver, the older man (60’s), said “Yes…I can’t seem to get my key to fit in the ignition of my rental car again”

I said..”Well…let me look at it…”

I slide into the car…“Hi. How are you…person up front and person in back seat?”

“Good” they say…“We’re not sure why the key won’t work any more.”

I scan the car to see what type of car it is…the logo on the steering wheel is familiar.  It’s a Toyota.  Nice.

And in a split second, I notice something about the feel of the key in my hand, that driver man had handed to me.  Hmmmm…..It doesn’t feel like a typical Toyota key…(yes…I’m CARnak the great!  No…I have a Toyota at home so I am familiar with the key).

I look at the key in my hand…step out of the car (in slow motion), and before I walk through the sliding-automatic-Get-Smart-style-doors, I toss the keys to the older man (60’s)…grab my luggage and say…

“This is a Ford key”

I think I heard them say “Who was that masked man?” as I walked away.

“Up in the Air”: Alphabetically and Numerically Challenged

*sigh

As I have said before, I travel, a lot.  Last week West Virginia, this week Colorado, next week Nashville.  Up in the air junior bird man.

I’ve recently been given the moniker of “curmudgeon”, the dictionary Uncle Steve provides me defines curmudgeon as “a bad-tempered or surly person…”.  I might buy that.  Those that know me may completely agree.  Those that know me…would call me more…cranky.  Which, I think, is probably the peoples definition of curmudgeon. So…I’ll take it.

Ok..so, wife drops me off at the airport (after too much traffic), I grab my boarding pass (after checking in online 24 hours prior…a scout is thrifty, blah blah…prepared), I head to security check point #1 (Great!, still not on the watch list), grab people-moving-tram-like-shuttle-thing, head to security check point #2 (no lines (wow, really?) not on their list either), get in the next line to basically unpack and undress so I can walk through some cancer inducing xrayish type thing. I don’t “beep” (I used to…ask me about that later), repack, redress (hold me, I feel so used) and head to my gate (no time for Starbucks, DAMN! traffic..I’ll drink the Southwest swill on the flight).

Here is where the fun starts and the curmudgeon in me must be suppressed.

Southwest Airlines prides itself on being an easy, non-stress airline.  The boarding process has changed over the years. We used to line up by color.  Then it was color AND number, not in numerical order.  Then, wait for it, color AND number, IN numerical order.  Then some incarnation of the letter A, B or C + color + number + birth city – the middle digits of your social security number + did you call your mom? (no…sorry mom).

Recently they got it all together and decided to make it even easier.  A, B or C + a number, in alphabetical and numerical order.

To make it even easier, a friendly Southwest Airlines worker get’s on the Dukane (look it up) and explains this whole system before you begin the process.

“Good morning ladies and gentlemen, in just a moment we will begin our boarding process for flight number <insert flight number> here at gate <insert gate number>.  If you’ll take a look at your boarding pass, you’ll notice the letter A, B or C and a corresponding number.  We will board the A passengers first and then the B’s and C’s.  Family boarding will be between the A and B passengers. Once on board, we have open seating, just pick a seat…they’re all leather and they all get there at the same time.    (mild laughter). So, A’s, please find your spot in line.  A 1 through 30 on the left, A 31 through 60 on the right.  Find your corresponding number on the metal dividing poles and line up accordingly.  B’s and C’s, please stay seated until I call your group.”

Now is when the sheep (sheep, because sheep are stupid) get up, holding their boarding pass in front of them like some kind of cosmic airline divining rod.  Heading toward the metal dividing poles like they’ve catapulted to stonehenge.

And if you’re quiet, you’ll hear thought provoking questions like:

“What number are you”?

“Are you an ‘A’?”

“Is this the B line?”

And nice answers like

“My number is 23.”

“Yes, I’m an ‘A’.”

“No mam, this the ‘A” line…see…you’ll sit down over there and wait for your letter and number to be called. Then. See these numbers? You’ll line up here”

But, If you’re real quiet…you’ll hear the skits in my head, with answers like:

“I’m number one, numero uno, don’t forget it.  But today, Southwest has branded me with the gawd awful number 55”

Or

“Yes…I’m an ‘A’. I’m standing here first aren’t I?  Did you listen to the lady? You didn’t, did you? ‘A’‘s first…then ‘B’s and ‘C’s.  See, if you check in online up to 24 hours ahead of time, you can pretty much get yourself an ‘A’ boarding pass. AND, if you’re real savvy, you can even pay 10 bucks and get your boarding pass up to 36 hours in advance..almost guaranteeing you that coveted ‘A’.  Run along.”

Or

“Is this the ‘B’ line? Really? Were you not listening?  Oh that’s right, you stopped to get your Starbucks, instead of being here, in Emily Post fashion, at the gate in ample time to line up accordingly and hear the proper Southwest instructions.  How’s that coffee you got on your shirt because you cant hold the cup correctly for all the carry on luggage you have? Bags Fly Free brainiac…do you not watch tv?.  No you can’t stand here and let all us chosen ‘A’s walk around your African Safari size luggage pile while we board just so you don’t have to move again.  And, by the way, your flight changed gates…this is gate C31, your flight is now at gate B22, I’m sorry, you probably didn’t hear that announcement either, cause the popcorn you were mowing through was making so much noise.  Quick…go…they’re closing the boarding door on your flight!”

Alphabetically and Numerically people…this isn’t that hard!

Geez.

You are now free to move about the internet.