“Up in the Air”: Old Man Walkin’

While traveling this country’s great airports, I get to do one of my favorite things…people watch.  And watching people in airports is actually friggin hilarious.

I’m busy in the airport composing one of my last blog posts (Staring Man), drinking lousy coffee (there is no CoffeeBucks in this airport) and trying NOT to eat the whole bag of Cinnamon Bears (not small gummy bear like…bigger, chewier. Unsuccessful BTW) when two couples walk up to the gate area and plop their items down.

Now, mind you, the gate area is pretty vacant, I’ve been bumped due to overbooking (voluntarily and financially profitable!), so at my new gate I wait for my new flight (I get to wait 3 hours…which in my book is being properly prepared), basically by myself.  That is, until the understudy cast for Cocoon picks the empty seats near me to call their home while they wait. Nevermind that there are 16,000 other empty seats all within their bi/trifocls line of sight.

So…standing there…the ladies talk of whatever event they just came from, who said what and how dare those people wore what they wore. The men talk of doctors appointments and biopsies. Soon, the conversation turns to making an important call back home for some reason.

(No…I’m not eavesdropping they are speaking so loudly, I have no choice but to hear what they are saying…AND…remember…the are so close, the smell of Aqua Velva and White Shoulders is causing a migraine to announce itself via the floating spots in front of my eyes)

* Back to the important call Father Time has to make.

Ok…out comes the flip phone.  Nicely and very courteously he excuses himself to walk away, out of earshot, to make his important call.

* cue Huey singing “I’m gonna go BACK. IN. TIME!”

Flip (remember that?)…antenna…push buttons…phone to ear…then…shhhh…listen…do you hear that?  It’s a dial tone…there’s the touch tones…there’s the phone ringing on the other end…”Hello?”…”Hey!  I’m on my cellular phone in the airport.”…blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

* “Phones…where we’re going, we don’t need phones”

SPEAKER PHONE UP TO THE EAR!  I (though, not the rest of his cast-mates) can hear the entire conversation!  Yakkity yak…yadda yadda yadda.

*sigh.  This happened twice that day. TWICE!  Two different people, two different conversations…ALL. ON. SPEAKER PHONE.

Ok, ok..stop calling me an insensitive man, impatient and annoyed.  This has nothing to do with the age of my subject.  Ask anyone that really knows me, I love to sit and talk with those that have gone before.  There’s wisdom in those that fought in The War, and stories to hear when the sentence begins “I remember when all of this wasn’t here…”.  It’s the clueless hilarity of the conversation blaring on the other side of the ear and being unaware that the broadcast, rivaling the best talk show on AM radio, that makes me roll my eyes.  Not once, but twice!

And, it’s just isn’t Willford Brimley and his friends.  The apparent sucking of brain cells seems to happen as soon as people say goodbye to the driver they suckered into giving them a ride to the airport, and they cross through cloud of unfiltered Camel smoke and into the queue of their favorite discount airline.

Post: “Up in the Air”: Loss of Brain Cells…coming soon

“Up in the Air”: Another man’s opinion

Hey,

I had hoped to post another story about amazing people after Staring-Man, but came home to a bit of chaos.

The woman-He-gave-me had had (yes two hads) dental surgery and developed a dry socket, and I, of all things, pulled a muscle in my head!  (yeah I know)

BUT, fear not!  I travel next week. So I’m sure some rookie traveler will be in my way, and me in all my patience will begin to act out a skit, starring myself, in my head, that I will then translate to the blog page.

Until then…here’s a tweet from Tim Ferriss, Author of The Four Hour Work Week (stop reading me, click on link, buy book, change life).  Follow him on Twitter at @tferriss.

“Each time I eat airport food, a small part of my soul dies. I’m hoping Seattle coffee kills E. Coli and cures apathetic service.”

‘Nuff said!

“Up In The Air”: Staring-Man

Friday, April 2, 2010

I travel a lot.  And when I do, well, basically, everyone is in my way.  Yeah I know, you think I’m one of those travelers.  Actually I’m not.  The kinder-gentler Jeff comes out at the airport.  I can be patient. (stop it!).  But the cast of characters I encounter have a tendency to make me wonder if most people are actually raised by wolves.

This morning I arrived at the airport for my 10:30 am flight at about 6:00 am.  I couldn’t sleep (story of my life), so I got up and went.  Plus, knowing that it’s a holiday and the start of spring break for people…I figured I’d beat the crowd, or have plenty of time to wait in the security line if it was busy.

Side Note:  I love getting to the airport early.  Drives the-woman-he-gave-me nuts!

So at rental car return, I walk inside the building to get my receipt (no one was willing to be outside waiting for me to return my car at that hour) and I encounter Character #1 for the day: Staring-Man.

You know the kind.  The kind that stare at you when you walk in a room, and keep staring at you. You turn away, then come back, and they are still staring at you.  You turn away again, now using your spidey sense to determine if they have fixed their eyes somewhere else, when the time is right, you raise our eyes…and…there they are…again…staring!

I stood waiting while they helped him with his receipt.  Funny.  Staring-Man is also a talker. He and counter-boy were having a great time talking about…WHO CARES…I’ve got 4 hours til my flight leaves…let’s go let’s go let’s go!

He left the counter and got on the shuttle.  Good.

Counter-boy wants to talk to me…yeah, no.  I got something important to look at on my iPhone (Text Todd: “KENNY!”)  “Sign here…here and here….here’s your receipt”

“Thanks!”

I get on the shuttle, there’s Staring-Man. Staring.  “How are you?” he says (ugh…he’s talking to me…it’s 6ish a.m….Go. Away!)  “Fine, thanks…you?” (pleasedon’tanswer)

Shuttle driver:  “What airline?”  Staring-Man motions to me to mention my airline first… “Southwest”…Staring-Man says, “Delta”.

We pull up to the terminal to the SOUTHWEST door, I go to get up…and Staring-Man gets off the shuttle in front of me.  Delta is not at this stop.  What is he doing?…(now I’m worried he’s gonna stalk me and kill me).

He disappears. I check luggage…go to security…not too big of a crowd. Good, I’ll have time to get something to eat.

WAIT! There he is…coming up behind me (I’m gonna die)

I get to the front of the line.  Mr. checks-everyones-drivers-license clears me. I choose the closest and shortest we-care-about-terrorism-so-we’re-gonna-make-going-to-your-plane-take-forever lane…I get on the shuttle (because the plane gates are actually in another state!)

Ok…good…Staring-Man is…ON THIS SHUTTLE!  (someone tell my wife I love her)

Now…I have to go all the way from security, to the C gates.  Alphabetically…3 stops.  Whew! Delta Airline is at the B gates. Staring-Man will be a few hundred miles from me, while I’m at the C gates. But, Staring-Man doesn’t get off the shuttle at B. (fatherwejuss: I bequeath my iMac to Josh, my MacBook to Sarah, and all peripherals to Nathan -which he will sell and buy a new MacBook Pro-Kim gets everything else)

So now what?  Voice over: “The next stop is the C gates, please exit the shuttle and proceed to the escalators.”  I get off the shuttle, get on the escalator, look up and, yes, there he is, Staring-Man, doing what he does best.  Staring.  Ugh…

He’s goes right, I go left.  I get pancakes. (I love pancakes)

I never saw him again…but who knows, I haven’t gotten on my flight…with my luck, he’ll be the pilot.

Like I said, I haven’t gotten on my flight…there a plenty of more characters to tell you about (Technically-Challenged-Loud-Talking-Old-Man or Fat-Guy-Eating-Breakfast-Sandwich-Over-Laptop-and-Sitting-Next-to-Me, and there’s Do-You-Want-Sausage?-Sausage?-Do-You-Want-Sausage-Guy) Then there’ll be the characters on the plane that seem to choose to travel the same days as me!

Wish me luck!